Reframing is a powerful tool when it comes to creating the life you want. Most people tell stories all day long, believing that their initial interpretation is correct. Something happens, and then you say to yourself, “This is terrible,” or “This person is a jerk,” or “I could never do that.” For most people, these thoughts tend to run automatically in the mind. They happen unconsciously. You don’t choose to doubt yourself. You never consciously say to yourself, “At 3:37pm this afternoon, I’m going to start thinking that I’m a failure and that no one loves me.” Instead, these thoughts just tend to happen, seemingly on their own, as a reaction to what is happening in our lives. But do you realize that these negative thoughts are creating your experience of life? And, did you know you can actually change these thought patterns so that they produce a better experience of life?
When you reframe, you choose which thoughts you will think, with conscious intent, instead of letting your thoughts run automatically and unconsciously without any consideration on your part. There is a correct way to do this, and an incorrect way, and you will need to understand both before you dismiss the power of reframing. If you are not doing it correctly, then you don’t get to say that it doesn’t work.
How do you reframe correctly? How do you know that you are choosing the correct thoughts?
When reframing, you want to acknowledge the reality of your situation, and the reality of your feelings, without giving your power over to them. Then, you tell the most empowering story you can believe right now.
It is important that you always choose thoughts that you fully believe to be true, and that the new thought feels better when you think it. In other words, when it comes to choosing a new thought, you must find the perfect balance between believing the new thought, and feeling good about it. The new thought has to be something that you can really believe, and at the same time, a thought that feels better when you think it. If you are telling a true story that feels good to you, then you know you are reframing correctly.
To better understand this dynamic, it would be prudent to look at some of the pitfalls you will encounter so that you can correct them when they arise. While reframing may seem simple at first glance, there is more nuance to the practice that is worth understanding because the pitfalls will not be obvious to you in the moment they are happening.
There are essentially only two ways to reframe incorrectly. These are imbalances that people find themselves playing out in relation to their feelings. By noticing these imbalances you will have the ability to make the necessary corrections. In other words, knowing how to reframe incorrectly will help you to better understand how to reframe correctly. You may not notice these imbalances happening at first, but if you reflect on them and remember them, you will see these imbalances playing out more and more in yourself and others.
Controlling/Avoiding Emotions
The first imbalance occurs when a person attempts to use thoughts to control or avoid emotions. You should never attempt to lie about your feelings by telling a positive story that you do not really believe. For example, if a loved one has died, you wouldn’t want to say, “This is amazing and I feel great!” in an effort to avoid feelings of grief and sadness. While you may be focusing on a positive thought, your feeling underneath this thought is negative and you are lying to yourself about it. In this way, your story is disconnected from reality because you are denying that you feel sad. You must find an improved thought or story without lying to yourself about your feelings.
The correction for this imbalance is to allow yourself to fully feel your feelings with compassion for yourself. Do not surrender all thoughts to your negative feelings. Instead, consciously allow yourself to observe these feelings without trying to fix, avoid or control them. Make time for this. Processing your negative feelings is important and will lead you to a greater range of positive feelings.
Surrendering Thoughts to Emotions
The second imbalance occurs when a person is not consciously reframing at all. This person tells whatever story their feelings dictate. In other words, they are completely at the effect of their own feelings. For example, if a loved one has died, you wouldn’t want to say, “I will never be happy again. Life is unfair and there is no point in going on.” When you do this, your story is disconnected from reality because your story is based on unreal or irrational feelings. Never surrender control of your own thoughts to your feelings, no matter how intense the feelings feel. As a human being, you have 100% control over your own thinking and this power should never be surrendered to your feelings.
The correction for this imbalance is to discipline yourself enough to take control of your thoughts. You must stop indulging in your negative feelings by allowing yourself to think any thought that your negative feelings dictate. Instead, breathe and observe the feelings. Deliberately look for thoughts that are more rational and reasonable. Do not continue to add fuel to the fire with more negative thinking. You will find more stability and ease by doing this.
The optimal balance point between these two imbalances should be more clear to you now. You must, as the observer, acknowledge the reality of your situation and your feelings without giving your power over to them. Then, you tell the most empowering story you can believe right now. This is crucial in the practice of reframing.
When you get your thoughts right, you will feel empowered. Then, as you go on with the living of your life, something will inevitably happen that will cause some of your other negative thought patterns to be engaged. Consider this is just another opportunity to practice reframing. Do not make the error of thinking that you have fallen backwards just because you cannot permanently maintain an empowered state. Do not expect this of yourself. This is a trap that will take you out of the game all together.
Over time and with practice you will start to see the world very differently and you will find that correct action (action that actually produces results) occurs naturally. This doesn’t happen overnight. Each time you allow yourself to confront your feelings and deliberately choose your own thoughts is a win. You are adding to a tapestry of positive thought patterns that make up your overall view of yourself, your life and what is possible. Celebrate these wins and do not resist when things appear to be negative. These are all just opportunities to practice. This practice will inevitably pay off in ways you cannot even fathom right now.
The more you understand the challenges and barriers you will face as you take on the practice of thinking positively, the more you will understand that reframing is an art that must be practiced. You cannot lie about your feelings and you cannot allow your feelings to choose your thoughts. You must allow and yet take charge. Resolving this paradox within yourself is how you balance the masculine and feminine within you, the yin and the yang, the left brain and right brain.
Before moving on to the next post, consider taking a moment create a positive thought in your mind, one that feels good to you and one you can believe. Hold the thought for a moment and feel how powerful this practice really is. Notice how simple it is to think on purpose by choosing your own thoughts.
“Each time you allow yourself to confront your feelings and deliberately choose your own thoughts is a win. You are adding to a tapestry of positive thought patterns that make up your overall view of yourself, your life and what is possible. Celebrate these wins and do not resist when things appear to be negative.”
Alex – This is such a loving statement which just caused me to be a bit emotional when reading. 🙂