All successful people learn by doing. Knowing something without doing makes no difference in a person’s life. The Buddhists have a saying, To know and not to do, is not to know. If you say that you know something, but you aren’t applying it, then you don’t really know it.
Unfortunately, most of humanity has a phobia when it comes to taking the risk of doing something new because of a deeply embedded fear of failure. This is partially because we have been trained not to seek wisdom or even correct knowledge at all. Instead, we have been trained to seek good grades and, more specifically, to avoid getting an ‘F’. The ‘F’ stands for failure and we all know this. We have been systematically trained to believe that failure is bad and that it is one of the worst things we could ever become.
A great mentor of mine once said to me many years ago that the reason he was more successful than I was at the time, was simply that he had failed more times than I had. After years and years of taking action and having my own failures and learning the lessons that came along with them, I understand what he meant now. Failing is a crucial part of learning. You may not want to hear this but I hope that one day you will hear this again and it will be music to your ears. Failure is an important and necessary part of learning and growing, provided we are correctly using the feedback we get from failing.
Think of the child who learns to walk. They take a few steps and fall down. They get right back up and try again, and again, and again. Soon enough, they figure it out. Every time the toddler falls, he is getting valuable feedback of what not to do that helps him to better know what to do. Allowing himself space to fail is an automatic part of the child’s learning process. He needs not be taught the importance of taking risks and being okay with failing. He just knows it intuitively. He also doesn’t decide that he is a failure after he falls down. He never thinks, “This whole walking thing must not be for me. I’m a failure at walking.” He simply takes the next step, joyfully learning to walk. He pays no attention to the falls at all and before you know it, the toddler can walk. It is a beautiful sight to see.
From my personal experience, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I would not be able to play the piano today if my primary objective had been to avoid making any mistakes. My goal was to learn to play the piano. Mistakes were, and still are, nothing but feedback. This is why I don’t think of mistakes as failures at all and I definitely don’t take them personally. They are simply a way of clarifying how not to play the piano. I have made countless mistakes over the last 25 plus years and not a single one of those mistakes matter even one little bit today. Because I was willing to make mistakes, I accomplished a dream of mine. I can play the piano and I keep getting better at it too.
On top of this, most people, when they fail to produce an intended outcome, also make the critical error of thinking they are a failure as a person. They take the failure personally, and turn it into part of their own identity. However, it is not true. You are not a failure just because you failed to produce an intended outcome. You were meant to fail in this life many more times than you were meant to succeed. We must learn to see so-called “failure” as a positive thing if we want to become happier, healthier, wealthier, freer, more creative, etc… Then eventually, the word failure disappears as we begin to see all of our failures as a natural part of the process of success.
Failure is a doorway into true wisdom and the great news is that while you can learn from your own failures, you can also learn from the failures of others. Our failures help those around us. Their failures help us too. When we work together and let go of the stigma of failure, we can go further because we are learning and clarifying what doesn’t work. As we clarify the ways in which something doesn’t work, we are eliminating those options and getting closer to the way that will work.
Fear of Death
All our fears can be traced back to a fear of death. Whether we are afraid of falling, afraid of being exiled from our tribe, afraid of the dark, or afraid of losing love, all these fears come down to being afraid of death. It is a deep fear of non-existence, the death of our own ego, and the loss of our identity along with all the unknowns that follow.
During the covid pandemic, the entire world collectively agreed that we needed to lockdown, wear masks, get vaccinated, distance ourselves from each other and all of this was to avoid one thing…death. The motivation was not to make sure we are living life to the fullest. The motivation was (and still is) not dying, and keeping people safe from an early death. The most successful people easily see through this kind of thinking because they understand that you never create a life worth living by avoiding death. Avoiding death is not the way to live.
You may be afraid to die but if you spend your life trying to avoid death, how can you ever really live? I’m not saying you should be reckless. I am simply asserting that we need to learn to accept death as a possibility. When I’ve got my guitar and I’m singing a song onstage, I can’t be trying to “not sound bad.” You can’t build a business by focusing on “not losing money” and you can’t make friends by worrying about people “not liking you.” Every time I am on stage, I risk sounding bad. New business ventures risk losing money and if you are really being yourself in life, you are risking people not liking you. This is just how it is. Life has risks. The goal is to learn to take risks intelligently and learn from mistakes, not to avoid risk at all cost.
The only way a society could be convinced to give up their rights and freedoms for the purpose of “staying safe” is if the people in that society have more fear of dying than fear of not living. If you spend your life afraid of death, then you are guaranteed not to live. This should scare you more than dying. Most people would rather live a long life just to die with regret than to take the risk of death now for a chance to truly live. Read that again.
I’m not just talking about the covid pandemic of course. I’m talking about the person who wants to write that book, or learn to play an instrument, or be in a relationship, or start that business, who never tries because they are afraid they might fail. Again, people are afraid of the death of their own ego. Most people live in a delusion that if they never try, then they have never failed. The illusion that they hold onto is that since they have never really tried, they may still be a winner. This person imagines that one day, someday in the future, they may apply themselves… but someday never comes.
I hate to break your bubble, but if you never go for it and risk failure, you most certainly will fail to produce the result you want and you will certainly fail. One of the greatest hockey players of all time, Wayne Gretsky, said it best when he said:
“You miss 100% of the shots You don’t take”
You become what you avoid. If you spend your whole life avoiding failure you will always become a failure. If you spend your life avoiding death, you will never truly live. You will die at the end of your life, but you will have been dead for years because you never allowed yourself to live.
The secret is to look at your fear of failure. Imagine yourself at the end of your life, having not even attempted. Think through what it will feel like. Make it real in your mind so you can get the impact of continuing along the path you are currently on. You need to get to the point where you have more fear of not living than fear of dying. You need to consider the impact of avoiding failure. Confront it now so you can make some new choices in your life. Don’t just read these words. Apply this thought process and see what opens up for you mentally and emotionally.
NOTE: If you have any irritation, boredom, judgments, or complaints about the last section on failure (or any part of this blog for that matter), I suggest you read it again several times as you may be blocking yourself from an important realization. Consider that it can seem easier to complain, judge, criticize or check out mentally, than it is to confront the fear of failure. Relate this section to whatever you care about in your life.
I am aware of how much I repeat myself. I do this for a reason. I have only the power of words to get you to see what your own mind doesn’t want you to see. If I say something only once, your mind can easily pass over it. If I say it again and again in different ways, it becomes harder to ignore. Human beings tend to hide their fears from others, however, in order to hide our fears from others, we must first hide them from ourselves. A good liar must first lie to themselves to be convincing for the simple reason that it is easier to lie to others when you think you are sincerely telling the truth. If you feel like the last few sentences don’t apply to you, they probably do apply to you. Whether you will admit it or not, is up to you. One of my favorite quotes sums up this idea quite eloquently:
“When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease being mistaken or cease being honest.”
– anonymous
If you do not generate the courage to tell the truth where you have been lying to yourself, you will forever live in the prison of your own illusion. You will continue to tell the stories that reinforce your own self-imposed limitations, believing they are real, and blaming someone or something outside of yourself for what you have not accomplished. Meanwhile, your freedom will continue to be, just one honest confession away.